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Free college tuition (in Germany)!

Hello American students. University students, that is. You are worried about two things: One, your student loans and, two, that candidate with the orange face and yellow hair whose name I’d rather not speak. We all know who he – or rather it – is.

Should your debts mount and the orange creature make it atop our country, I have a solution. Well, I have a suggestion for a solution: Germany.

In case you’ve been distracted by all those articles about the boisterous orange man in blue suits, there has been a string of other articles recently touting my solution. I mean, my suggestion for a solution. The suggestion is to study in Germany because tuition is free and more and more classes are held in the only language you speak – English.

College tuition germany
Photo thanks Benediktv via Creative Commons

There have been plenty of articles. One here. And here. Then over here but in German (to see if you really, really want to go. Google translate is your friend and will become a close friend if you study in Germany).

The math behind this free university education is simple and, no Michael Moore, it’s not because of socialism. Not entirely. It’s because Germans aren’t reproducing. Germans are dying faster than they can make new ones – nobody’s really sure if it’s a manufacturing, parts supply or emission software (ahem) issue. But they used to make lots of Germans with – you guessed it – German efficiency and those already-made Germans are getting older and retiring. And their annual two-week, all-inclusive vacations to Spain (Mallorca!) and month-long medical spa visits to southern Germany (Kurschatten* anyone?) aren’t going to pay for themselves.

Momma Merkel (that’s Angela Merkel, Germany’s chancellor, which is kind of like a president but without a cool plane) wants you, American students, to pay for those two-week, all-inclusive vacations to Spain and month-long medical spa visits to southern Germany. How? By staying on and paying taxes after you study.

Never mind that current German work laws may not let you stay. But they could!

I’m re-learning algebra to help my kids with homework so I think the formula looks like this:

Public pensions + public healthcare = free college for over-privileged Americans

You have to solve for Americans, I think.

My plan will have you free of debt and free of orange presidential candidates in a matter of years. Sort of. Germany actually has its own orange would-be leaders (ok, she’s white) but because you don’t speak the language, you won’t be able to understand local media and see what’s going on. You’ll just exist in a student diaspora bubble of learning, beer drinking and beer drinking.

Just like in the U.S. but further away from your parents.

No free college tuition?

You don’t believe me? You say there’s no such thing as a free lunch? You’re so smart and you haven’t even finished college yet! No there’s not. You’ll have to pay your own living expenses and live in Germany. It’s tough to say which is more difficult.

You’re likely to freeze and will be subject to gargantuan breakfasts and will have to stomach capricious public officials. To name a few problems while shamelessly self-promoting this blog.

And remember, this is the same country where this was the most popular show FOR YEARS:

But: Free education and in case you didn’t catch it the first time – you’ll be further away from your parents.

You don’t need to thank me later. Funding my annual two-week, all-inclusive vacation to Spain and month-long medical spa visit to southern Germany will be thanks enough.

 

*Kurschatten = medical spa shadow. German doctors prescribe month-long visits to spas in southern Germany to cure ague, consumption and possession by evil spirits. During treatments, Germans often become friendly-friendly with other spa visitors, aka medical spa shadows. What happens in Bad Füssing stays in Bad Füssing.